This is my blog about my log! Where I log how I log so I can log while I log.
Three times in one month! I'm learning some fucking lessons, babes! I've been on my daily tasks. Like really on them. I'm even starting to do some of them before it's time for bed. And I'm doing the dishes a lot but I'm not holding myself to that daily.
Teeth x2
Meds x2
Floss
Dilate (every other day)
Shower
Leave the house
Exercise
I've done that every day for over a week now! This is basic shit but I have to celebrate it because I have struggled with this basic shit for so long. I'm not going to get cocky, either. Just keep at this. Don't expand the scope. Don't slip. Keep at this and good things will follow. It builds!
Writing twice the same month. I'm not learning lessons. I'm basically in a time loop but time's still marching on. I need to unstick. I need to smoke less pot! Like really I do. But I don't want to do that. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm......................
I hope I can learn to trust myself. That's what it comes down to, isn't it? I don't trust my thoughts or actions or judgement. Fuck me. I don't think I thought of it like that before. Maybe in the idea but those words are really it. How can I trust myself?
Coming back to my website again. There's a slowness and ownership over it that I like! I don't want to build collections on Letterboxed because that's just putting energy into a platform I don't control. I'm getting very luddite in my middle age. Moon's moved out. Iggy's gone. Scrubs is gone. Me and Duchess. My mom's here. It's complicated but I'm glad she's here. It's all just very weird. I'm on vacation too! That's good. I'm so stressed out all the time. I wish I could relax. I'm sleeping badly. Not doing great! But hopefully will do better. I've gotta grieve and shit.
It's been a while! Returning to things I was doing. I did find a therapist! Well... I went back to an old therapist. But that's similar. I'm getting divorced. That's different from December. I'm not happy about it. They're moving early next month. I'm just really exhausted and want to move on. I wish they didn't want to get divorced but what I really wish is that they wanted to change for me. C'est la vie I guess.
I've been hiding from myself again. I still haven't found a therapist. Fuck me.
I've gotta do better. How do I friend?
Dizzy, bright spots in vision, dizzy, nauseated, sweaty, heart palpitation. Ate fruit. Got better. Somehow not diabetic? Lingering pins and needles feelings in feet and hands.
Easier way to think about weed rules is. One each at 17, 19, 21, 23, 00, 01, 02...
Which still feels like a lot when I type it out but the number of times I catch myself
wanting another hit after 30 minutes or so let's me know it's doing something.